Problem Players at Grassroots

This article is intended as a light hearted joke looking at some common traits of problem footballers playing at senior grassroots level in the modern game.

Player 1:  "The Bum"

Almost every team at senior grassroots level has one.  That one player who always attempts to dodge the subs money.  He'll often tell you he will pay you at training during the week or fix you up at the next game.  The player in question will often be what is known in football terms as a "big time charlie", someone who thinks he is above having to pay to play.  

Player 2:  "The Holiday Maker"

It's that player who goes on random holidays leaving managers with little notice and not batting an eye lid that his holidays will result in him missing a number of matches.  This is likely to be the player who will head to festivals and concerts during the course of the season at the drop of a hat, missing even more matches as a result.  The man who's social life is before his football without hesitation.  

Player 3:  "The Spoofer"

The player who promises more with his mouth than he does with his feet.  Your likely to meet this player in the summer time.  He will swan down to your team telling you that he played for all types of professional teams in his day,  he will use his reputation in an attempt to give himself the one up with the manager.  News will spread quickly among  naive team mates of this players former clubs and they will make the mistake of rating him before they see him play.  

Player 4:  "The Gargler"

The player who drinks before games.  He is bound to turn up to a match still dressed in the clothes he left his house in the night before at some stage during the course of the season.  

Player 5:  "The Play it to me feet player"

It's the skillful overweight lad on your team who refuses to move.  The ball is either played to his feet or he will stand moaning instead of moving.   Likely to be an older experienced player who can't be bothered to work hard on his fitness any longer.  


Player 6:  "The shift worker"

Most players work, this player however uses the work excuse to avoid some training sessions even when he is not genuinely in work.  Often it will be on the night of a big Champions League game or nights when the weather is poorly, it may even be a case he is simply not feeling in the mood to train.  A quick text to say he is on a late working shift and he sits back with the feet up to watch the football on telly.  

Player 7:  "The Grumbler"

Watch out for the grumbler.  There is plenty of them in the modern game.  The players who talk behind backs moaning about things and moaning about other players in an attempt to get the one up over them with other team mates.  These players are often the characters who will hope his own side lose if he is not involved in the starting eleven himself, they are all about themselves and will spread bad vibes in an attempt to better their own situation.  Your team is better off without Grumblers. 

Player 8:  "The know it all trainer"

If these players don't see a ball involved in an drill/exercise at training they will instantly come out with comments such as..."the ball should be involved in everything".  Yes they have a point if they look after their own fitness in their own time, however a lot of modern footballers need to be babysitted in terms of fitness now days due to a lack of dedication, commitment and ambition.

Player 9:  "The match day moaner"

That player who acts like a spoiled little child when he is on a football pitch.  He'll often use up more energy moaning and giving out to others than he will working for his team and team mates.  He'll be the first player to engage in a conversation with "The Grumbers" of the team after the match.  

Player 10:  "The Clown" 

Every football club or team enjoys banter, this player takes it to far however.  He will mess all of the time, often disrupting training sessions, warm ups and the match day focus of his team mates.  For an ambitious team looking to be successful "The Clown" is a bad influence to have around. 

Player 11:  "The Headless Chicken"

The player who just wants to try tricks, flicks or hollywood passes (long pass), the player who wants to keep the ball to himself at training or in games.  He will frustrate his team mates, manager and all connected with the club with his selfish mentality and lack of game intelligence on the pitch.  This player is most likely to have multi colored boots and wear some form of tape around either his ankles or on his wrists.  Don't be surprised to see the opposition upend him frequently.