Dear coaches, hopefully you don't find yourself wondering are you one of the characters being described below. If you are, take a long hard look in the mirror and have a think about your coaching.
1. THE BELLEND
Let's begin with the bellend coaches. What is a bellend you ask? The bellend is a coach who tries his hardest to sound clever by using sophisticated words or trying to make things sound more complicated than they actually are. The funny thing about the bellend is, he or she thinks they sound clever by using 'fancy phrases' but truth be told one of the main qualities of all great teachers is the ability to break things down, explain and make them sound as simple as possible. Don't be a bellend, most coaches are likely not to take a liking to them and players whether they will admit it or not can't wait until you shut up talking more often than not. A lot of associations will employ bellend coaches as tutors. Coaches will then attend courses led by these bellends who proceed to teach simple topics like 4-3-3 and somehow make it sound and look like it's a Nassa Space Formation Mission they are teaching. Please just stop trying to make this game out to be rocket science and do the job the people are paying you to do! You are a football tutor not a rocket science teacher my friends!.
2. THE NEXT JOSE MOURINHO
The Jose Mourinho wannabie, watch out for these lads. At schoolboy level they will be the idiots who scream at refs and kids in the quest for points. A team talk with eight year old asking them how much it means to them and demanding more passion and desire. Normally arrogant in their opinions and aggressive in their nature these idiots think the local park is The Theatre of Dreams on a Champions League night.
3. The Blaggars
The blaggars are coaches who come from successful football nations taking full advantage of their nations success at the elite level of the game to gain advantage over other coaches at grassroots. A modern example would be some of the common thoughts that 'Spain do it right'. The result of these beliefs is that some coaches assume because a coach is from Spain he is in some way better automatically than coaches from your homeland. A coaches nationality/where he is from should never be taken into account when assessing a coaches capability. 100% guaranteed somebody reading this will know of a club who has taken a coach in over their own based on where that coach has come from. Be very wary of this approach, it is very easy for a coach to travel abroad and claim his background is this and that yet truth be told he may be blagging it. Judge them on their coaching not their blagging! The man who told you he worked with Pep Guardiola at Barca may actually just be a farmer from the back arse of nowhere.
4. THE CHARLIE
This coach loves a bit of football gear. They like to stand around thinking they are gods gift to coaching in all the latest gear without actually being able to offer anything at all in terms of coaching.
5. THE COMMENTATOR
The coach who thinks they are a coach but truth be told all they do is shout their way through games and training giving direction rather than actually giving guidance. Don't be a commentator!
6. THE IAN HOLLOWWAY
The coach who tries so hard to be one of the lads, always joking around and mixing with the lads for the banter. You'll find more often than not these type of lads do this to cloud the fact they haven't got a breeze what they are on about and rely solely on building relationships to get the best from players.
7. THE CAVEMAN
The coach who refuses to change his ways. Running laps of fields and sprinting around poles like race dogs will wins things, no time for any tippy tappy football or education. The brain is for school, legs rule the pitch.
8. COACH NED KELLY
The coach who preaches about fitness to others but fails to set that example himself.
9. THE RAMBLER
The coach who talks and talks and uses his contacts to get him places he simply should never get near. Uses intimidation and contacts to force his way into opportunities and is quick to pass judgement on others while taking high offence when judgement is passed on him.
10. THE PLAYER MANAGER
We all know one. The old fart who takes a managers role and gives himself a game no matter who's place he is taking in doing so.